I don’t know about you, but winter is always a difficult time for me. Not only is it cold, but it’s also grey, with short periods of daylight, and this winter included extreme amounts of snow and ice. Now me, I personally don’t like snow or ice, and luckily we usually don’t get much here, but this year, we had 20+ inches more than average, and I just heard that there may be more on the way this weekend. It makes me want to cry.
On top of this, I’ve been having a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I may never get pregnant again. It took us 8 years of marriage, 3 miscarriages, and over a year of fertility treatments (everything except IVF), and none of it worked, until miraculously, I became pregnant with our son in 2013. It wasn’t an easy pregnancy, in fact, we almost lost him early on until my doctor found out I had a couple of blood clotting problems, so he put me on Heparin, and I was able to keep my precious little boy. I also had hyperemesis gravidarum my entire pregnancy. It was miserable and exhausting, but we got our rainbow baby, and he is the most amazing little boy.
After reading all of that, you probably think I’m crazy, and wonder why I’d want to get pregnant again. My entire life I’ve wanted to be a mother. I always thought I’d have a large family – four kids – and although my pregnancy is not what you see in the movies or read about in books, I would do it over and over again to add more precious babies to our family.
We’ve been trying to get pregnant again since Aeneas was about six or seven month old (summer 2014). This involves temping every morning, peeing on OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) multiple times a day, cutting out any and all forms of alcohol and caffeine, and more. It is exhausting. If you’ve never had to deal with tttc (trouble trying to conceive), I’m happy for you. It messes with your head. Doing everything you can month after month with no success (or thinking success with an early positive, and then it ends up being a chemical pregnancy, and not sticking), can really wear you down.
Once we’d been trying for six months without getting pregnant, we decided to go to a specialist again (winter 2015), and try using fertility treatments to hopefully up our chances of a positive outcome. We tried Clomid, and then Letrozole, with a Trigger Shot and then IUI, and unfortunately it ended with two chemical pregnancies, but nothing that stuck (summer 2016).
We decided that we needed a break from trying so hard. It was crushing every time I saw a negative pregnancy test, and my anxiety and depression were high. For my mental health, I needed to not focus on the billion things that may or may not have helped me get pregnant, and instead, focus on myself, what I was doing, and where I wanted to go from there. Plus, the holidays were coming, and we all know the craziness of the holiday season!
Then we get to today, and I’m still not pregnant. Many friends and family have either gotten pregnant and had a baby, or are pregnant now, and every day I wonder why it’s not me. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my son, and he is the light of my life, but it’s so hard to get past something you feel like you’re meant to do, which is what having a big family is for me.
Today things seem a little less gloomy with the sun shining, and hot tea in my hands, but there’s always that little niggling doubt in the back of my head that I’ll never have the big family I always dreamed of, and that is the thing I’m working on being ok with.
Each day is a new day, and each day I will continue to hold out a small glimmer of hope that we’ll have that family I always dreamed of.